O Ye Devastator

Do you hear wedding bells?

INTRO: Sorry for the silence lately. January was a tough month, that also brought what I consider to be the worst day of my life. I have had some time to reflect on it and that statement still holds true. It cannot be contained in words and I would not write it out anyway.

I have not had the mental capacity to write since, so here is a story I wrote back in October and did not publish. I did edit it a tiny bit today, but tried to keep it as accurate to that moment as possible. I was proud of this piece and still am, so I think it deserves to not sit in my drafts.

Thank you for reading,

Robert

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About seven years ago, I started to fall for someone, very hard. I was lonely and she was lonely too. She was not interested in me the way I was her, but it did not seem that way to me or that way to the people around us. People just assumed we were a married couple. Small things would keep me going. It did and did not help that occasionally someone from her circle would offer hope, coming up to me and saying things like, “don’t give up, we’re rooting for you and want to keep you around”.

We spent almost every day together for a year or so. I woke up every day, hopeful that a corner would turn, it did not. Then the switch flipped for me and I walked away. She did not want that to happen. It meant she was losing a friend that she had spent most days and hours with for over a year. She wrote something to me like, please don’t go, you are my bestie. I thought, bestie! Really? That’s the fucking word you chose? A cute little slang word. You can’t even be bothered to say best friend? Fuck off. That is what I thought, not what I responded with, which was nothing. I was not at my best.

It is not fair to her, or any woman, to have to navigate difficult friendships with men. I am sure that gets exhausting.

I last saw her on October 19th, 2019. She came to one of my gigs. It has been five years, almost to the day. That is the night, I knew was the end for me. She said something to me after I got off stage that was specifically intended to crush me and that was it. The light was out. It was even more solidified when a friend of hers reached out to me the next day and told me something equally as hurtful. I took a couple of days to reflect, then I told her to stop contacting me. She texted a handful of times after that and I mostly ignored them.

The pandemic hit, she texted me one more time while I was on a walk with my friend, Amy. I think I gave it a thumbs up, the coldest of all responses and that was the last attempt at communication from her.

I took her out of all my social media feeds, but did not block her from seeing mine. She was able to see all of my social media if it was something she wanted to see. I did that, because I was the one that walked away and me blocking what I see was my decision and I wanted it to be her decision as to when or if she took me out of her social media.

Over the years, she still likes many of my posts and occasionally comments. I typically ignore the comments or sometimes hit the like button just because it feels stupid to like all other comments, but hers.

She commented on a story of mine recently and I decided I would respond in kind, like I did with everyone else. Just something like, “Thanks”. She saw that as a sign and sent me a private message, “Hi”, and that she hoped I was doing well. I thanked her and said, “same to you”. I made sure to make my response an end. I was hoping that was and was not the end.

Then she sent an apology. I told her there was nothing to apologize for, which is definitely a stretch. However, I was always aware of the score somewhere deep down, but my desire for companionship with her was making me ignore it, plowing ahead, deeper and deeper into frustration and heartache. I also knew she had no idea what she was apologizing for. Could she have been more clear or set clearer boundaries? Maybe, but whatever. I was too far in. We are all human, I do not hold her accountable. That is true, ninety-nine percent of the time, with the occasional thought of “fuck all the way off”, when I am pissed at how I allowed myself to be watered down.

If she was holding on to any guilt, I wanted her to let it go. Life is hard. None of us need to be holding on to such useless baggage.

The way I was reading into that apology gave me hope. A little part of me got excited. Excited that maybe some dumbass corner was turned and we could “get right back to it”, to quote a Waxhatchee song (I like to quote songs). I was playing the apology out in my head and I had edited it to mean what I wanted it to mean. Then I went back and reread the apology and realized I was entirely wrong and over-thinking it.

She did make me a much better version of myself. I will forever be grateful for that. As frustrating and terrible as it all was, and it was, I did grow and adopt many lifestyle changes that have extended well past our time together.

I got in better shape, got back to regular exercise, started eating better, got more mentally tough, more secure and healed some old things I was holding on to. That likely would not have happened if not for her.

I do really miss eating meals together, sharing a plate of something healthy. There was a time when sharing a plate of food at a restaurant would have pissed me off, but man I loved, loved, loved sharing a meal with her. I loved it more than anything. It was my happiest place. I miss it so much. I ate almost every meal with her for at least a year. Almost unknowingly, I had become vegetarian and mostly dairy free. I ate pizza one night with my grandkids, after months of not eating something like that and it destroyed me. When I told her this, she said, well you haven’t had meat or dairy in months, so it makes sense that a pizza with meat and cheese would hurt your stomach.

After her recent apology, she said, any time I was willing to see her again, she would love to meet up for coffee or lunch. I told her I would have to think about it. She understood. Would I fall again or has five years put too much distance between us, even for friendship?

I took a day to think about it, knowing I was going to say yes regardless of what my mind was telling me. My mind was telling me it was totally fine, but I still felt a desire to be in a relationship with her. I also felt no desire at all for that. I felt truly “over it” and I would love to be friends again and I felt no desire for friendship. Which one is true? All of them, maybe.

I messaged her back a day later and said, yeah it’s cool, I would love to catch up, Contact me any time. Again, I must say that is very true, but also reference the paragraph before this one.

I have known nothing about her since I cut ties. I am not one to lurk on social media or at all. When I cut ties, I cut them clean. I am not a “drive past someone’s house to see if there’s a new car” type of guy. Over the five years we have not been talking, I have not spent any time looking out of curiosity. None. It is an impressive and sad skill of mine. When I go, I go. I cut ties at a time when she started dating someone and it felt like a good time to cut and run because she would not miss me when there was someone new to focus her attention on.

It hurt me to my very core that she had someone. I could not be around for that. I could not suck it up and be cool. At the same time, I cared for her and I knew that trying to navigate a new relationship with me around would have been a hard scene for all of us to navigate. I wanted her new relationship to have the best chance of survival. For that to happen, it needed to be free of whatever bullshit I was going to do and I absolutely would have done some bullshit. Just thinking about it, fuck. I am so glad I do not have the added embarrassment I would feel right now if I had tried to stick around, fighting for relevance and attention.

After I told her we can be friends again, I was totally fine with it, freaking out about it and entirely indifferent.

A couple of nights later she saw I was online and started a conversation. We talked about life and what we had been up to. There was the nagging dread of her bringing up her relationship or marriage or whatever she has, but I knew. I felt it. I knew she was protecting me by not bringing it up. That sucked. It sucked that she felt the need to sensor herself. It is the truth that I care for her and I want her to be in a happy and healthy relationship. I can be happy and grateful she has that, maybe even proud! I know how bad she wanted it. She wanted it as much as I do. If I had that, all of this would be fine. I do not currently have that and that night of conversation was a bit crushing. 

She interrupted the conversation to say “11:11” That is something she used to point out and I told her I still think about her when I see it. She told me that she has missed me for 1,111 days, that she did not know down to the hour or minute, but that’s how long it had been since we last talked and how long she has missed me. It was hard for me to read that and not muster up a little hope, but I knew she was talking out of her ass. It was very inaccurate on the amount of days it had been, but I understood the sentiment.

I was not looking forward to the night. I knew after this conversation was over, I would need to sleep and it would be hard to sleep with all these emotions jumping around inside of me.

She left the conversation unannounced. I was thankful we did not have to go through the routine of saying goodnight.

I did something I rarely do and brought my computer to the night stand and watched a show. I knew there was no way for me to go to sleep without a distraction.

I feel asleep after one episode of Only Murders in the Building and woke after a couple of hours of sleep. It was three-thirty in the morning. That is scientifically the worst time to be awake with your thoughts and feelings.

The main thought I had at three-thirty was not about her. I went inward. How do I get the things I need and deserve? Am I doing enough? It is not like my life is bad at all, pretty great really. My time is very flexible, I make enough money to get by and spoil the grandkids, but also, am I growing to the true level of my desires and capability? Maybe I just need to relook at how I am prioritizing my time and adjust to be more effective. Maybe my ADHD mind is still too distracted. I was in a bad head space and all I could feel was the feeling of not being good enough. That is an easy trap to fall into, in the presence of unrequited love.

I caught a small window of being emotionless from the exhaustion of being emotional, and fell back asleep.

The next morning I got up and checked to see if she had messaged me… She had not. I then went about my normal morning routine. Make my bed, take my vitamins, drink two sixteen ounce glasses of water with fiber mixed in them (because my doctor says I need more fiber), make coffee, and meditate for ten minutes. I sat down to meditate and could not find peace. I then forewent my next routine of ten minutes of yoga and thirty minutes of piano practice to write some of what you are reading now. 

It is the morning after our online conversation. She is supposed to call me after brunch. I do not dread the phone call. A call is much better than messaging online. I cannot as easily read into a phone conversation and there is much less to be misconstrued in a real conversation. She texted me to say she woke up late and she will call in the early evening.

I missed her calls, but quickly called her back. She filled me in on her mother, father and sisters family. She let me know her step mother had lost her battle with cancer. I was hoping these people were going to be a big part of my life, so it was great and hard to hear about them. She saved the marriage news for the very end of the conversation. I was glad it was out. We talked about her husband. It was nice to talk about it.

At the end of the phone call, she mentioned that she would be open to meeting for lunch. She is awkward with goodbyes and I knew this, I have witnessed how cold it appears with boyfriends who had come and gone while we were friends. She ended the call, cold. It is just her way and I knew that, but it felt like the end.

I leaned on my team that night. I took a walk with Amy. We made grand plans and explored ideas to get us both where we want to be. She offered to be by my side where and when I needed it, because she is amazing. What a gift she has been over the last five years. I need to make her a nice meal.

I called my friend Robbie. There is no one I can be more honest with than Robbie. We talked for two hours. I released all the things. This friendship has strengthened through so much fire over thirty-six years. I do not know what I would do without him.

It was late at night and I was worn out. I feel asleep, hard. I woke to my alarm at 6am. It was a Monday. I sat on the edge of the bed and felt a strange calm. I was surprised by it. It reminded me that I do not have to be sad about any of this. I can be happy. I can be happy and grateful for everything and everyone in my life. I do not have to hold on to any perceived hardships or sadness. I can just let it go and so I did.

A few days went by and I texted her that the following Tuesday was good for me to grab lunch. She mentioned she had been chomping at the bit to ask me the same thing. We agreed on Tuesday, which is four days from now.

I searched my feelings. I still felt an amazing calmness. Robbie texted to check in. I texted back, “I’m much better with tiny windows of bottomless despair, but mostly fine”, He wrote back, “No one can put pain as poetically as Robert Steel!” And I replied, “Thank you, I take no great pride in it”. I lied to my friend. I was feeling fine. He knows me too well and he knows how in my head I can get and I had just resorted to pretending to be struggling, because struggling is a habit I have yet to fully break. I sent him a picture of my bicycle and said, “I’m definitely not stress riding all weekend”. He laughed. That was a lie as well. I did ride all weekend, but that is because I ride every weekend and it was a beautiful and joyful weekend of riding.

I do not know if it took the entire five years for me to be over it, but then again, I am clearly not over it. Maybe I never will be. It was everything I had been looking for. There is a Richard Thompson line in the song “That’s all, Amen, Close the Door” It feels really relevant to this moment. The line is, “Did I care? Was I in love? In love enough to know, in love enough to know, there’s precious few that line that road”. There will always be something inside me that feels a bit sick about it all. She is one of the precious few that lined that road, even if it was only my road. It takes two however and these feelings are mine alone, not hers. Right now, I am just grateful to have my friend back. Life just did not feel right without her in it.

I had torn it down over the years by writing privately about it. Somewhere I have many pages of all the ways I am grateful for her as I have always considered it the shortest path to healing. I could probably publish a book of those pages. It was a daily routine for a while. I needed to find a way to be grateful for all of it. I gathered all the good that came from her, let go of all the bad and built it all back up into healthy memories. I am fine, mostly.

I am walking into the lunch with no nervousness. No expectations. No baggage. No intentions. I am not rehearsing things I want to say. I am not picking out an outfit. I am not trying to be anything. I look forward to catching up with an old friend. I am glad she reached out after five years. I am happy she still has a place in her heart for me, however big or small. I am happy I have a place in my heart for her as well.

If you are reading this, the lunch has come and gone. It was lovely. There were hugs, there were tears, then laughter quickly after.

Maybe all of this is perfect timing. I visited a studio recently to start a new album, even though I currently do not have enough songs, I felt booking studio time would light a fire under my ass. I used to jokingly tell her, “you realize I am going to write so many songs about you? Songs you may not want to hear.” What has happened up until now is the opposite. I have not written at all about her. I have had zero urge to write about her. Absolutely zero. Maybe I just have not yet found what it is I want to say, but I do not think so. I think I just do not want to write about her. Those emotions will show up somewhere in songs, but I prefer to just let that heartache go. I am not harboring any of those bad feelings anymore. If I were to write anything about her, it would probably just be a sweet love song, which if you know me, you know it would be a real stretch for me to write a sweet love song, so probably never going to happen.

The studio and engineer/producer I am lucky enough to be working with, produced some of my favorite albums, including Doug Burr’s “On Promenade”. He also did an album with Doug Burr, called “O Ye Devastator”, hence the title and subtitle of this story. I also found the cover art particularly relevant.

I said I have not written any songs about her. While that is true, one of the songs I am doing in the studio makes me think about a lot of people and she is one of the people that run through my mind when I sing this last verse.

ACCOUNTABLE

I can’t hold you accountable for my own feelings
I can’t hold you accountable for my own feelings

There’s a river in this old town, but only when it floods
Otherwise it’s too dry to grow
The devastation that it brings is unimaginably quick
But it brings with it a beauty of its own

I can’t hold you accountable for my own actions
I can’t hold you accountable for my own actions
I can’t hold you accountable for my own actions
They’re mine alone

I own this life, it’s mine
I can change it up at any time
And if I don’t, then I don’t
Man, it’s harder work to regret your path
Than to put in the work to grow

I can’t hold you accountable for my own grieving
I can’t hold you accountable for my own grieving
I can’t hold you accountable for my own grieving
It’s all my own

Oh my, I miss you
I wish I didn’t miss you so much
I know it fades with time
But it takes too long
With no rain on the horizon
No waves on the water
Nothing, Nothing, Nothing
Gets washed away

Wish me luck in the studio. If you want to help in any small way, it is all very much appreciated. Here are some ways you can help me bring some new work into the world.

• Be a free subscriber, if you are not

• Engage by commenting or liking any of my post. Honestly this is a big one. It feels nice to build a community

• Become a paid subscriber, which thank you if you do, because that truly helps me afford to put new work out

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If you made it all the way to the end, I feel like I am the one that owes you something and I am not really sure what, but if you have music or writing and want me to do the same I am things I am asking you to do, I surely will. My friend Jack loves to use the saying, “A rising tide raises all ships” and I think that is very true.

Thank you for listening,

Robert